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17 October 2009 @ 04:09 pm
Randomness...  
I was looking around for inspiration for nanowrimo, and I sort of...got distracted...by this story generator at <a href="http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/">http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/</a> and this is what it generated:

 It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Guy, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly puzzled, Guy backhanded a banana, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Marian. Guy had known Marian for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Marian was unique. She was plucky though sometimes a little... annoying. Guy called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Marian picked up to a very unhappy Guy. Marian calmly assured him that most albino cats shudder before mating, yet legless puppies usually indiscriminately sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Guy. Why was Marian trying to distract Guy? Because she had snuck out from Guy's with the diary only three days prior. It was a flamboyant little diary... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Guy got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Marian panicked. Relunctantly, Marian invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Guy grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Marian realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the diary and she had to do it aptly. She figured that if Guy took the homemade car, she had take at least eleven minutes before Guy would get there. But if he took the horse? Then Marian would be abnormally screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Marian was interrupted by two selfish puppys that were lured by her diary. Marian sneezed; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling puzzled, she aptly reached for her live hand grenade and randomly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the horse rolling up. It was Guy.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Guy was out of the horse and went sassily jaunting toward Marian's front door. Meanwhile inside, Marian was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the diary into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind her elephant. Marian was worried but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Marian wildly purred. With a quick push, Guy opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid flaming idiot in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Marian assured him. Guy took a seat exotically proximate to where Marian had hidden the diary. Marian sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Guy was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Marian noticed a clueless look on Guy's face. Guy slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Marian felt a stabbing pain in her ear when Guy asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the diary right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Guy's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet 3-legged wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Guy nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Marian could react, Guy carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.

Guy stared at Marian for what what must've been five hours. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Marian groped explosively in Guy's direction, clearly desperate. Guy grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Marian let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Guy,' she rebuked. Marian always had been a little stupid, so Guy knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Marian did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Marian looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Guy. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Guy. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Marian walked over to the window and looked down. Guy was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Guy was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Marian's place. Guy had severely hurt his love handle during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral puppys suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Guy. Already weakened from his injury, Guy yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of puppys running off with his diary.

But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Guy's diary. Feeling concerned, God smote the puppys for their injustice. Then He got in His time machine and sputtered away with the fortitude of 20 3-legged wallabies running from a little pack of albino cats. Guy jumped with joy when he saw this. His diary was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, Robin Hood, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When man-eating capybaras meet pipe bomb'). Guy was giddy. And so, everyone except Marian and a few gun-toting venomous koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.


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